Unmasking Narcissism by Mark Ettensohn

Author:Mark Ettensohn
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Althea Press,
Published: 2014-08-24T04:00:00+00:00

Fueling vs. Defusing: Jake’s Story

Dealing with self-serving traits means setting boundaries. Sometimes, people use boundaries to set limits on someone else’s behavior, and sometimes people use them to make more space for their own needs and feelings.

Even with adequate social support, depression can be incredibly difficult to overcome. Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and guilt are all symptoms that make it hard to ask for things and to set boundaries. However, if Jake continues to avoid expressing his feelings and clarifying his needs, it will only cause him to become resentful.

Sandra’s behavior suggests a stunning lack of empathy for Jake and his situation. It’s possible that Sandra is simply not educated about the reality of depression and is mistaking Jake’s symptoms for character flaws like laziness or procrastination. Clinical depression is an illness that cannot simply be “snapped out of.” It’s not actually up to Jake to “pull himself together.” With time, treatment, and support from Sandra, he can recover and start living a full life again, but none of this will happen overnight. Sandra is placing unfair and unreasonable pressure on Jake to do something that he simply can’t do. Furthermore, she is doing it at a time when he needs patience and understanding, not ultimatums and blame.

It is up to Jake to set the record straight. Sandra’s behavior needs to be confronted, and Jake needs to carve out the space he needs to get well. One way of doing this would be for Jake to arrange for a joint session with Sandra and his therapist. This would allow for them to discuss Jake’s needs and Sandra’s concerns in a controlled and mediated setting. It would also give Jake’s therapist a chance to clear up any misunderstandings that Sandra may have about his condition. Alternatively, Jake could spend some time clarifying his feelings with his therapist, a friend, or by himself (perhaps by writing a list or journal entry). Once he has a better idea of how he is feeling, he can write a letter to Sandra. This letter could be something that he gives her to read, or it could be something that he reads to her. He could ask for her to reserve comment until he has finished.

There is no guarantee that Sandra will change her mind or even be receptive to listening. Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling other people’s behavior. It’s about doing what you can to change what you can. Most importantly, setting boundaries is about being your own advocate and taking care of yourself.

Not only can narcissists be entitled and lack empathy, but sometimes they can be just plain exploitative. The next chapter will look at why and how narcissists exploit others, and what you can do about it.

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